Happy Valentine’s Day!On this day internationally observed for the exaltation of “romantic love” we offer this back-to-basics reminders—to young people and parents who might share these thoughts with their children—about friendship, sexual attraction, love and marriage. These thoughts are those that traditional (non-permissive) parents, guidance counselors and pastors generally teach.
At some time in their lives, every boy normally likes several girls but he is especially drawn to one. Girls too go through the same stage toward boys.
This special liking for an individual may be just ordinary friendship. Or it may be something more—personal sex attraction, which is a specific action of the human sexual instinct.
There is a big difference in the emotional content of “simple friendship” and “personal sexual attraction.” Young people, especially, must learn to distinguish them and recognize their distinctive manifestations.
Friendship
Simple friendship is what usually exists between two persons of the same gender. In English, the term ”platonic” (derived from Plato, the Greek philosopher, whose definition of love between friends is a classic essay) is used to distinguish simple friendship and the friendship between sexually attracted persons. Simple friendship is mainly a matter of psychic vibes or a “spiritual” or “rational” love minus strong emotion and the tendency to physically caress the friend.
One is someone’s best friend because he or she is good, reliable, inspiring, fun to be with, helpful. Friendship fundamentally appeals to reason—not to romance. Scientists have found that romantic love lights up specific areas of the brain and causes certain hormones to be released. Mere friendship, apparently, doesn’t have the same effect on those parts of the brain.
There’s a kind of serenity in even the strongest and warmest simple friendships. Yes, we find a lot of happiness when we are with our friends. But we don’t become restless, irritable and miserable when we are not with even our best ordinary friend. This is because simple friendship does not monopolize our affections. We can have several best friends—each one especially close to us as an ordinary friend for one reason or another. And friends care for one another’s welfare. But ordinary friendship does not make us focus our affection to only one person to the exclusion of others.
Ordinary friendship usually occurs between persons of the same gender. But it is not rare for members of opposite sexes to become simple friends—just that. But when certain acts of tenderness start to happen—beware. That friendship is blossoming into personal sexual attraction, which can become LOVE! And unless both are eligible to marry each other they had better break off their friendship.
Exclusiveness of love
Like simple friendship, personal sexual attraction is an attraction to a definite person. It is not—as in ordinary friendship—merely a willingness to talk and be in the company of just anybody who happens to be in the next seat at a bar.
Personal sexual attraction differs in its emotional manifestations from ordinary friendship.Pastors never fail to speak of God’s willing men and women to be sexually attracted to each other as a part of the Divine Plan for the human race.
Exclusiveness is the most distinctive attribute of personal sexual attraction between two persons of the opposite sexes who are in love. The person sexually attracted—and in love— wants complete possession of the beloved. The presence of a third party is not welcome—even resented. That the loved one might be attracted to another causes a surge of jealousy. And the lover is completely captivated by the loved one that he or she does not have any interest in other persons. He or she also desires to be loved in the same exclusive way by the beloved.
“You do something to me, something that simply mystifies me,” says the old ballad. How does love begin? It can happen, “one enchanted evening,” when a man suddenly sees the woman for the first time, “across a crowded room.” But love can suddenly hit one who has been a friend of the other for a long time, perhaps since their childhood. Suddenly the old friend has become the one and only love.
That trait that the lover finds so marvelous in the beloved could be anything—the other’s voice, gait, smile or deep soulful eyes. Or it might a virtue—kindness, strength, delicacy, warmth. Even something ugly to other people can be the principal reason for a lover’s emotional response to the beloved.
Absence and yearning
The beloved’s absence is torture to the lover. The yearning for the loved one’s presence torments him or her. Nerves are a wreck. But when the beloved is back again it’s paradise. “When he goes away, it’s a rainy day, but when he comes back the sun will shine . . .”
But mere presence of the beloved is not enough. Kisses and caresses must complete the happiness of the lover.For there must be passion in love.
Then they must get married. Marriage will reinforce their exclusivity for each other. Time and aging will not destroy their love. They will find more reasons to love the other—including each other’s faults. And they will never divorce.
At some time in their lives, every boy normally likes several girls but he is especially drawn to one. Girls too go through the same stage toward boys.
This special liking for an individual may be just ordinary friendship. Or it may be something more—personal sex attraction, which is a specific action of the human sexual instinct.
There is a big difference in the emotional content of “simple friendship” and “personal sexual attraction.” Young people, especially, must learn to distinguish them and recognize their distinctive manifestations.
Friendship
Simple friendship is what usually exists between two persons of the same gender. In English, the term ”platonic” (derived from Plato, the Greek philosopher, whose definition of love between friends is a classic essay) is used to distinguish simple friendship and the friendship between sexually attracted persons. Simple friendship is mainly a matter of psychic vibes or a “spiritual” or “rational” love minus strong emotion and the tendency to physically caress the friend.
One is someone’s best friend because he or she is good, reliable, inspiring, fun to be with, helpful. Friendship fundamentally appeals to reason—not to romance. Scientists have found that romantic love lights up specific areas of the brain and causes certain hormones to be released. Mere friendship, apparently, doesn’t have the same effect on those parts of the brain.
There’s a kind of serenity in even the strongest and warmest simple friendships. Yes, we find a lot of happiness when we are with our friends. But we don’t become restless, irritable and miserable when we are not with even our best ordinary friend. This is because simple friendship does not monopolize our affections. We can have several best friends—each one especially close to us as an ordinary friend for one reason or another. And friends care for one another’s welfare. But ordinary friendship does not make us focus our affection to only one person to the exclusion of others.
Ordinary friendship usually occurs between persons of the same gender. But it is not rare for members of opposite sexes to become simple friends—just that. But when certain acts of tenderness start to happen—beware. That friendship is blossoming into personal sexual attraction, which can become LOVE! And unless both are eligible to marry each other they had better break off their friendship.
Exclusiveness of love
Like simple friendship, personal sexual attraction is an attraction to a definite person. It is not—as in ordinary friendship—merely a willingness to talk and be in the company of just anybody who happens to be in the next seat at a bar.
Personal sexual attraction differs in its emotional manifestations from ordinary friendship.Pastors never fail to speak of God’s willing men and women to be sexually attracted to each other as a part of the Divine Plan for the human race.
Exclusiveness is the most distinctive attribute of personal sexual attraction between two persons of the opposite sexes who are in love. The person sexually attracted—and in love— wants complete possession of the beloved. The presence of a third party is not welcome—even resented. That the loved one might be attracted to another causes a surge of jealousy. And the lover is completely captivated by the loved one that he or she does not have any interest in other persons. He or she also desires to be loved in the same exclusive way by the beloved.
“You do something to me, something that simply mystifies me,” says the old ballad. How does love begin? It can happen, “one enchanted evening,” when a man suddenly sees the woman for the first time, “across a crowded room.” But love can suddenly hit one who has been a friend of the other for a long time, perhaps since their childhood. Suddenly the old friend has become the one and only love.
That trait that the lover finds so marvelous in the beloved could be anything—the other’s voice, gait, smile or deep soulful eyes. Or it might a virtue—kindness, strength, delicacy, warmth. Even something ugly to other people can be the principal reason for a lover’s emotional response to the beloved.
Absence and yearning
The beloved’s absence is torture to the lover. The yearning for the loved one’s presence torments him or her. Nerves are a wreck. But when the beloved is back again it’s paradise. “When he goes away, it’s a rainy day, but when he comes back the sun will shine . . .”
But mere presence of the beloved is not enough. Kisses and caresses must complete the happiness of the lover.For there must be passion in love.
Then they must get married. Marriage will reinforce their exclusivity for each other. Time and aging will not destroy their love. They will find more reasons to love the other—including each other’s faults. And they will never divorce.
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